The main reasons for this that I can think of are:

a) Discontent with my doctor – the way she is handling my case, the way she is making a sick patient out of me for no reason and the resulting decisions she is making

b) My husband not being here with me

c) Baby not dropping

d) Stress over dealing with others (esp. in laws) post-delivery and the “free advice” that everyone is gonna give out like candy

e) Concern over baby’s as well as my own health and recovery post-delivery

I so don’t know if I should risk changing my doc at such a last moment… and if another doc is really the answer…

I don’t know I think it is the overall lack of control and the presence of too many people at the same time that is making me nervous…. I wanted this to be a special experience and share it with my hubby but I don’t think I am ever gonna get any private time with him with so many people around…

I am also disappointed as the chances of a cesarean are appearing to be higher and I feel that this is more because of my doc’s attitude towards my pregnancy than anything else… this is adding to my lack of control over the whole situation…

I am so confused… I don’t know how to handle this…. I am feeling emotionally let down and feel like I have lost the willpower to carry this through… …

As always, I am gonna end up doing what I do best… WITHDRAW myself from the situation and from everyone else… not show excitement or dismay… just not show any emotion… just get through with this somehow… maybe then later when all this is over I will enough time to have those special moments with my baby and hubby…

So I am back home and did not get admitted to the hospital as the NST turned out to be absolutely fine (the doc almost sounded disappointed at that.. lol). Anyway, so today was some experience… we (me and mom) finally packed our hospital bags last night and I was frantically paying all my due bills this morning and doing last minute packing in case I don’t come back home after the NST… so it was kind of a dry run for the big day and it helped in a way!

I believe I have another 1.5 to 2 weeks to go before something happens… I am desperately trying to get this little person to “drop” but not meeting with much success… is my pelvis too small for its large head? It shouldn’t be… given that I am big built. I am trying everything from squatting and other pelvic exercises to walk and light aerobics. I have not tried any of the other methods of starting labor that involve intake of some sort like castor oil etc… I don’t know it just doesn’t sound safe. Too bad I can’t have intercourse as hubby is out of the country and will come only when he hears something from me… Orgasms don’t seem to be doing much… the uterus seems to contract a bit but that’s it… previously it used to be accompanied by baby movements … now even the baby is like “so what’s new” lol

Had Braxton Hicks this morning which lasted for about 5-10 mins… believe it or not I got really excited lol and rather enjoyed the pain… I was hoping this was the start of labor or close to it… but they stopped after a while and never came back … since then I have been awfully comfortable and that is not good news lol… I SOOO want my body to give me SOME signs indicating that it is serious about getting this baby out at some point

Anyway… I guess I gotta wait it out some more… in the meantime I plan to finish the baby names task at least. Don’t have much else to do as I don’t feel like reading and all… just not interested in anything anymore … I guess its normal but it sucks nevertheless…

So I had my 37 week appointment today and again my doc started off with the rant of how big the baby is and how that is a very “risky” or “negative” thing and how she is just not willing to take any risk in my case (whatever that fucking means). So, she has asked me to get admitted into the hospital for overnight monitoring based on results of a repeat NST (non-stress test) tomorrow…today’s NST showed too many baby movements which was interpreted as the baby being possibly in stress given that “he does not have enough room inside to move due to its large size”…

And I am fucking mad coz I don’t have a fucking choice anymore – the only choice I have is that I do not see this doctor or any other doctor for that matter… and desperately search for someone who could help me with a home birth… but I know that isn’t an option I am completely ready for too coz I have not considered it throughout my pregnancy and I am pretty sure it will be darn hard to find a good mid-wife around here!  So I am stuck with doctors… OB/fuckin GYNs!

So I am gonna get admitted tomorrow for a NST that is not really required and then prolly end up with a needless c/s or whatever… you know what I really don’t care anymore… just get the baby out safe… I am gonna make sure I don’t have another one in a long time!!

And people expecting me to be “sweet” to them during this time of distress should really think about what kind of persons they are!! You have no fucking idea how emotionally and physically demanding the coming days are gonna be for me so don’t even fucking second guess it… just stay outta my hair for as long as possible and don’t cause any unnecessary trouble! I am gonna fucking have to deal with a lotta shit coming from a lotta people after the baby is here… and I ONLY promise to keep my sanity for the baby’s well-being coz none of this is the poor baby’s fault… so yes… I cannot and will not be “sweet” to you at my own will.. I will blindly ignore a lot of things people say coz that is the only way I can maintain my sanity during this time… and I don’t even expect you to understand this… talk about pregnancy being the most magical period in a woman’s life… my 1st and last trimesters have been nothing but hell… less because of any physical complications and more because of “PEOPLE”

So yes… I AM fucking done with this shit… I feel really SAD to be writing this post coz I expected to be more positive around the time of delivery… but NO! this world is full of shit… from doctors to inter-personal relationships … everything seems to be fucked up… everything has to be “taken care of”….. fuck it… I can’t and won’t care anymore… coz it’s not like everyone is really working and thinking for my well-being… most people are not even gonna care about me being there after the baby is here… hell! talk about post-partum depression!

First I wanna share something that has been really bothering me – my doctor! MOST doctors for that matter. And here I am specifically referring to OB/ GYN specialists. I think based on the experience of so many women these days it is safe to say that doctors have over-medicalized the natural process of childbirth. Why wouldn’t they – given that OB/ GYN is actually a surgical specialty! So expecting a doctor to listen to your body is expecting too much… a doctor will go by his/ her own instincts and experience and in some cases even convenience!!

Take my case, for example. My baby is measuring large for dates (approx. 2 weeks ahead). It has been measuring large since Nov i.e. between 24-26 weeks. I was in Dubai at that time and this is how my doc reacted on measuring my fundal height… Baby is growing too fast… this is not good! So I quickly took the GTT and it turned out to be absolutely normal.. we established that since both me and my husband were heavy at birth and both are tall, the baby is likely to be heavy too! When I returned to India at 26 weeks I had an ultrasound which also showed that the baby was measuring 2 weeks ahead… both the radiologist and the doc seemed to take this rather seriously despite me telling them that I was tested normal for gestational diabetes!! STILL I had another glucose screening done in Dec which again was very very normal!

I had another u/s last week with the same result … baby is measuring 2 weeks ahead and has a large head… AGAIN my doc has freaked over as if it is brand new information and asked me to monitor my blood sugar and control my diet!! WTF??!?!? I understand she has to take precautions but it is beginning to get really irritating now.. its as if they want to somehow just find some reason to explain the baby’s size!! So they have to find something wrong with me! And it is not gonna be late before she suggests induction/ cesarean…

And don’t even get me started on how quickly she prescribes medicines!! I just saw a video that showed how increased vaginal discharge is a prelim sign of labour… but acc. to my doc it is a serious infection for which I must apply 2-3 medications vaginally… also I was immediately prescribed Digene for my heartburn and I am not sure how okay it is to take that! And I had a similar experience with my other doc which has left me feeling very disillusioned and disgusted with doctors in general!

Anyway, so I have decided its time that I stop being polite to my doc and start questioning her back on why she is behaving like a total amateur at this… I mean has she really never delivered normal big babies ever??? Her exaggerated interpretations of my reports just astound me and I am beginning to lose faith in her!! And I know another doctor is not the answer coz they all are pretty much the same… and I have NO idea where to find well-trained mid-wives in my country!!!

Well, on a positive note, I found this amazing video on babycenter…. http://www.laughandlearn.com/. Its a great video and talks about 6 prelim signs of labor, some of which I did not have a clue about: -

a) Braxton Hicks contractions: Been having these but very infrequently and in a very mild form

b) Baby dropping: Yet to happen

c) Increased vaginal discharge : So totally happening

d) Weight stabilization: Happened – no weight gain in last 2 visits

e) Nesting instinct/ 48 hr burst of energy: Yet to happen

f) Diarrhea: Yet to happen

So out of the 6 signs, I’d say I have had about 2.5 which is better than 0…. but there is still a long way to go..

Based on the above and looking at my progress, I am guessing I will have this baby somewhere towards the end of the 1st week of Feb or towards the beginning of the 2nd week … so to put dates somewhere between 5th to 10th of Feb…  now I am making these estimates more basis when I expect the baby to drop as this is treated as an important landmark in labour… so even if my baby shows signs of dropping early next week and they say that dropping usually happens 2-4 weeks before labour I am guessing it should come in the date range mentioned above… reason I don’t expect it to come later than 10th is coz it is already 2 weeks ahead in terms of development….

So as expected the doc completely freaked out about the baby’s size… which disgusted me a little… actually it disgusted me a lot coz her tone automatically changed to “what is wrong with you/baby” … well there is nothing fucking wrong with anybody… it is just a fucking big baby… have you in your experience of over 30 yrs (yeah!!) never delivered a big baby??? And no I do not have gestational diabetes… we have gone through the tests…more than once!!! But noooooo…. doctors!!! So I have been asked to monitor my blood sugar again and then have a repeat u/s next week to confirm the baby’s weight…

Well surprise surprise … as per my doc’s weighing machine I haven’t gained any weight in my last 2 visits… which is laughable coz the baby is putting on like anything and it is inside me so my weight should increase… and it is not like I am working towards losing weight at this point… I am happily feeding myself quite well actually… but hey whatever keeps the doc from pointing fingers and getting all hyper… why complain?!!

The internal exam was a lil disappointing… not only has the baby not engaged… as per doc it is far from “dropping” and hence there is no cervix dialation etc… also I screamed like a virgin when she inserted her finger in my vajayjay which was really weird and funny.. u know what else wasn’t funny? My uncut grass down there… it sucked but I am not risking cutting it myself and neither has the doc asked me to…

So well I am scheduled for another u/s this sat which would hopefully be better than my last u/s where I wasn’t even allowed to see the baby or ask any questions because of that stupid ass doc!! And I have to monitor my blood sugar at 2-3 random timings… let’s see what the doc has to say then… so far no indication of a c-sec!

At 35.5 weeks, the baby is already 3.2 kgs or a lil above 7 pounds…its measuring 2.5 weeks ahead at almost 38 weeks as per which it’s left with just 2 more weeks to arrive… so I can safely say that we are expecting the baby in Jan itself sometime next to next week instead of Feb….damn that’s close!!!

The U/S also showed that the baby’s head circumference was measuring at 40 weeks!!! Goddamnit that’s some large head… let’s just hope it encases a genius brain inside it… just kidding… I don’t wanna pressure the baby… EQ is more important than IQ…

Now how on earth am I gonna push that big head out of my lil vajayjay! I have heard that women with a large built (that’s me) also have a large pelvis and can easily push large babies out… but that’s if this one is ready for arrival next to next week… if it decides to stay inside for a lil longer in the warmth and comfort of mommy’s uterus … it is gonna eat more food and just get fatter… and I am not too confident about pushing a 10 pounder outta my vajayjay!!!

Well whatever happens I just hope the baby is alright and comfortable in its journey out… I have already sacrificed by body for it… insensitive people are calling me fat or sometimes the politically correct “you just look pregnant” even though my curves still seem to be intact… now I don”t even care to fight with them… FINE!! I have become a cow but I am having the lovely cute chubby baby who by the way is gonna be a total star… what do u have????

Anyway so I am desperately waiting for next to next week to come… I am taking 24th Jan as the cut-off after which the excitement begins… is today gonna be it or not?!? we could even have some fun with betting!!!….. although I am yet to see the doc tomorrow … let’s see what she says… some are saying she might decide to go in for an elective c-section but if she is any good she shouldn’t do that coz majority of the women abroad deliver large babies vaginally… so it is not an impossible feat… and my baby is already in the cephalic position though I am not sure if it is engaged yet… it just seems to be very happy inside – eating, sleeping and kicking away while mommy has a hard time…lil monster :*

I am not gonna share my starting weight but just the total amount of weight I have gained. I am 35 weeks as of today and have gained 18 kg or approx. 41 pounds. I am guessing I have 2-3 more weeks to go before the LO decides to come and so I am guessing I will be up at least 2 more kgs to a total of 20 kgs weight gain…. I know!!

First of all I would really appreciate some sympathy here… this was totally unplanned and believe it or not its not like I went out of the way in eating its just that whatever I ate just stuck inside my body and never got burned..yea like water retention I call it food retention. Neways, so its not as bad as it sounds. Since I don’t “appear” to have gained much weight I am guessing that a lot of it is water and all the other stuff inside. I am not trying to justify the weight gain or anything and I understand that probably with a little more self-control, esp. at the beginning of my pregnancy I could have kept this to a maximum of 13-14 kgs… but hey it is what it is now… now we need to talk about damage control after delivery.

So to begin with let me put up the break-up of a normal pregnancy weight gain:

Baby: 3.4 kgs

Uterus: 1.1 kgs

Placenta: 0.7 kgs

Breasts: 0.5 kgs

Blood: 1.4 kgs

Amniotic Fluid: 0.9 kgs

Fat: 3.8 kgs

Water: 1.9 kgs

This adds up to a total of 13.6 kgs which is counted as healthy weight gain although most women gain a lot lesser than this as well.

Now to make sense of my 20 kgs weight gain we will need to tweak some nos. above. Although I am still due for my last ultrasound this week and hence do not know what my baby is weighing currently, I do know that in my last ultrasound at 26 weeks he was weighing 2 weeks ahead… but since I am expecting that he will come 2 weeks early at approx 38 weeks, this nullifies the weight he would have gained at full 40 weeks. So I am going to go with 3.4/ 3.5 kgs only as being the baby weight.

I do however think that I am weighing heavier in the following departments:

Water: Around 2.5 kgs instead of 1.9

Fat: Around 7 kgs instead of 3.8

And a cumulative increase by 2 kgs across the other departments

Now, given this lets see how much weight I am going to lose after delivery:

Immediately after delivery

Not sure if I will be measured that soon but I am guessing I should lose up to 7.8 kgs immediately after birth. Here is how…

I will completely lose the following weight:

Baby: 3.5

Placenta: 0.7

Amniotic Fluid: 0.9

That adds up to 5.1 kgs

I will partially lose the following weight:

Uterus: 0.5 kgs

Blood: 0.2 kgs

Fat: 1 kg

Water: 1 kg

That adds up to 2.7 kgs

So total weight lost on delivery should be 7.8 kgs

2 weeks postpartum

This could even be 1 week but I am going to go with 2.

I expect to lose another 4 kgs by the end of this period. Here is how:

I will lose:

Uterus: 0.5 (Since I will be having my periods)

Blood: 0.5 (Since I will be having my periods)

Fat: 1 (Due to breastfeeding)

Water: 2 (Due to extreme sweating after delivery)

So this makes a total of 11.8 kgs by the end of 2 week postpartum period. Still another 8 to go approx.

2 months post-partum

I expect to lose another 4 kgs during this period but under certain conditions. This is the period when I will be heavily breastfeeding and also having my periods. You can lose up to 500 Kcal a day while breastfeeding. However, if you compensate it with a high calorie diet you are not gonna experience much weight loss. So I can lose up to 5 kgs during this period if I stick to a 1500 Kcal diet per day. Also, I will be more active in terms of taking care of the baby although I would not be doing much household work and also not exercising so that I get enough time for recovery. So if on an average I lose a minimum of 700 Kcal a day, I could lose up to 1 pound in 5 days. Which means I could lose up to 4 kgs doing this.

So I will lose:

Fat: 4 kgs

Blood: 0.7 kgs

Uterus: 0.1 kgs

This adds up to a total of 4.8 kgs. Let’s be conservative and make this 4 kgs.

Which means that at the end of 2 months postpartum I will be still be left with approx 4-4.5 kgs to lose.

4 months post-partum

If I continue with breastfeeding (which I plan to) and continue having a low calorie diet coupled with mild exercise (walking the treadmill) starting month 3, I can easily lose the extra 4-4.5 kgs in another 2 months. Hence, by the end of 4 months after delivery, I plan to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight

Of course, the challenge does not end here since I was a lil heavy to begin with. After hitting my pre-pregnancy weight, I wanna continue on the course of losing more weight and looking like a fabulous MILF one year down the line. So I want to lose at least 10 more kgs and a maximum of 15 kgs after hitting my pre-pregnancy weight. I really want to.

But I am not going to discuss those further plans for weight loss here. Let’s take it one step at a time. So good luck to me.

9th Jan, 09

Celebrated mom’s birthday today with pizza and garlic bread. Didn’t feel guilty eating that at all. It was a fun meal. Unfortunately the weight will just go up now regardless coz this is really the time when the baby begins to put on all those fat layers… so I have decided not to worry TOO much on that front now though I don’t wanna take it too easy as well… I am also sharing my weight loss plan in another post

Sleeplessness has officially creeped in. I thought it was temporary discomfort caused due to lack of sufficient movement but turns out it is real and everyone is facing it. Basically it is impossible to lie comfortably in any one position at night. Tossing and turning are activities that require effort and could take up to 2 mins. The restlessness in the legs and pain in the vagina is so much that after a while its more comfortable to just not sleep anymore. I guess this is body’s way of preparing itself for sleep deprivation after delivery.

Didn’t do much work. Just cooked for a bit and was on the lappy the whole damn day. Finally decided to take a break in the evening to do my labour exercises and go for a walk. Had a decent dinner.

Have given up reading which isn’t good. Basically I have become very restless and only find comfort in reading through long threads of discomforts experienced by women on babycenter. Or keep checking my gmail and facebook like every hour. It isn’t good coz reading could have really taken my mind off the discomfort and restlessness and would have caused some positive distraction from all of it. Hope to get back to it in the coming week.

Be back tomorrow. Cya for now.

Dear Baby,

How are you? I am your mommy. I can’t wait to see you finally. Just a little more wait and we shall see each other face to face though I know it will be at least a month before your eyes can focus on a face.

Baby it is true that mommy was not planning to have you this early but I guess you couldn’t wait to come into our lives so it’s okay Daddy is still a little worried about having you around but that doesn’t mean he loves you any less. But you don’t need to worry about anything. Mommy will be there for you all the time for the first 6 months and will make sure you are warm, well fed and happy. After that mommy will also need a lil break to get back to her normal life but she will still ensure you are warm, well fed and happy. With mommy around, you will not need to worry about anything ever.

But there are some things about mommy which you will understand only when you are sufficiently grown up. Sometimes adults also act like babies. They also need to feel loved and happy and well fed. But they don’t get these things unconditionally like babies do. So they often have to struggle for it. So sometimes when mommy feels less loved or less happy, mommy may get sad and sob a little but that will be temporary. You should know that that is not because of you. Mommy has had to make a lot of sacrifices in her diet ever since she has been expecting you so she might want to have the freedom to eat and drink what she likes after you are born and weaned off. This will only make mommy happier. Mommy also got a little chubby because of you and unlike babies, mommies don’t look very good chubby … but mommy will happily return all that fat to you in the form of breast-milk. But mommy may still have to struggle hard to get back in shape. So all I am saying baby is that mommy will also need to take care of herself and the better she is able to care for herself the better she will be able to care for you. But you will still always be the first priority for mommy :-*

Right now mommy is feeling too sleepy to complete this letter. But mommy will continue writing this letter to you tomorrow in which mommy will tell you about your daddy, about the outside world, about our expectations from you and about how to enter into a win-win partnership with mommy

Good night baby. Hope you feel less cramped inside tonight

I love you

Mommy

a) I started having my Braxton Hicks contractions. I had one last Tuesday in the middle of the night which was just awfully painful and was accompanied by extreme shivering. But it lasted only for about 10 mins and the shivering also came under control in half an hour. After that I have been having mild menstrual cramping sorta sensations 2 or 3 times but nothing serious really. They say it means that my body is preparing for labor so its good.

b) The baby is feeling REALLY cramped inside. Last whole week he has been literally pushing my abdominal muscles outwards thereby bringing more stretch to my belly to make room for itself. Good god I don’t know how they survive in there without getting severely claustrophobic.

c) There is no such thing as a nice deep sleep for me now. I keep tossing and turning like a million times all the while aware that I am trying to sleep. The discomfort is just too much. And I can doze off any time of the day so the boundaries between day and night are blurred for me as they are for the baby. Thank god I don’t have to go to work!!

d) Felt some pelvic pressure as if the baby was really pressing down. Not sure if that is what they describe as the “baby dropping”. Also felt some vaginal pain and the baby literally dances on my bladder.

e) Alternate between feeling hot and cold.

f) Have noticed increased baby activity esp. since I started massaging my belly and breasts with olive oil

Have my doctor’s visit this week. Will update after that.